Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Hero horse inspires millions
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.