*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
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Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger