*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
hackers play passwordle
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.