flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.