flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Why is no one talking about this?!
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy