flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
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Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
This is my bus stop.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.