Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now