Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
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Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.