flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
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Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”