“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
A small tragedy.