Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Brands during Pride
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I love wikipedia
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
March 16
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
satan: not today, microsoft teams
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?