when nothing goes right… go left
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“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?