(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
ready to be harvested
crying
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty