Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*