@MindyFurano: Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
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@rameshsrivats: Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you'll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
@LackOfShame: Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.
@jimmytorosian: [two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist] ...But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
@GreenSmoke_: If there was any award for laziness, I probably would send someone to pick it up for me.