@MindyFurano: Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
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@bammersacat: What did you ladies trade with the devil so that you’re able to French braid your own hair?
@TawaNicolas: I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.
@LoveNLunchmeat: You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it's cuz that restaurant hasn't dusted since 1986.
@KKAlThani: Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "curiosity was here"