Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
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On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off