couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
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My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not