Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.