[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
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“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.