Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
You Might Also Like
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.