Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
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Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella