The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
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I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
the way this pissed me off… 😭
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.