@OutOnTheMoors: FLOTUS is an unfortunate acronym, like something left in the toilet bowl.
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@THEPokerWife: After seeing your latest selfie ... And knowing what you look like in real life.... I'd like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
@slaughthie: I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said "day before Valentine's Day" like I'm some genius who knows when Valentine's Day is.
@radtoria: SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP -Ma'am, that's a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks. ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard. So now I'm explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.