@OutOnTheMoors: FLOTUS is an unfortunate acronym, like something left in the toilet bowl.
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@GrantTanaka: Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you? Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
@wastefulthinker: Me: "Hey Siri, I nee-..." Siri: "Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend."
@Shot_Of_Cabo: The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don't have to run very fast or very far.
@markleggett: Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional.