I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
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Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.