boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
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I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I support this random dude and all his protests
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
🤣🤣
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned