[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
relationship goals
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work