Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.