Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
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[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.