Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
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I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Venn
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.