Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
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Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Bros before Ohioes
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”