This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
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Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
it be like that
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.