Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
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My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle