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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.