Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up