“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.