Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
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[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Breaking news:
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.