*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
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Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.