Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
✌️
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
who wore it better?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes