What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
You Might Also Like
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Oh. My. God.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.