I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
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Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
me when the borders lift
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*