@yoyoha: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you're a jerk and I'm stupid
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@TheBeerGuy73: The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
@Jesusontwittorr: To all those telling me this account is a sin - Don't worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
@man_spach: When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
@trevso_electric: "Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we'll call you a liar." -insurance