Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
we all know this pain all too well
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.