football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
You Might Also Like
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.