For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?