For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
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I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time