For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
somebody come look at this
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Has there ever been a more American story?
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.