For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”