@bridger_w: For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it's actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
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@KalvinMacleod: DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds? ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
@AnkCoupleTO: [estate planning] Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift? Me: I'll be dead, that's a big enough gift for everyone
@mortimermaiden: Me: You really brighten up the room! Date: Aww, thanks! Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that