@bridger_w: For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it's actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
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@ArfMeasures: Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours Cop: I'm not surprised with a murderer in your house Me: There was a murderer in my house?
@rickolantern: The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there's no need for traps.
@Donna_McCoy: Heading to the dentist. I hope they've all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
@primawesome: Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans? Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won't believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.