For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
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who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR