For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
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*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
every. time.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?