@badbanana: For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there'd be one less blogger.
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: (Rushes to hospital) Dr: Your mother is extremely critical. Me: Don't overreact doctor, she's like that with everyone.
@PJTLynch: Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
@VickieIronStone: Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston. Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
@Aspersioncast: Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.