For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
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Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it