@Discourt: For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
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@galvinchow: PASSWORD EVER, USERNAME GREATEST *username/password must each contain at least one numeric character* PASSWORD 9EVER, USERNAME GREATEST6
@DulmesKenzie: Today this guy was trying to find his wife in Fred Meyer and he yelled “marco” and she yelled back “polo” and he looks at me and says “that came from the wine section didn’t it” and oh my god I think I just saw my actual future.
@fro_vo: [job interview] interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years? me: that's a trick question there is no c in any of those words
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying* ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.