@Discourt: For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
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@JermHimselfish: The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
@AndyAsAdjective: *walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today* Back again? Forget something? -Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
@grimpossible: "Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we're giving you up for adoption."
@WilliamAder: Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."