For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
gm
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Yep.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Camping tip: No.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…