For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
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Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store