For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I’m calling the cops.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
They’re not wrong
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.